Frustration

I am filled with anger and frustration.

I need a new job.  I need a new manager, new coworkers, better pay, etc.  I know I am getting my ducks in a row and will have to deal with being stingy with money for quite a while now.  But, with becoming extra tight with money, what happened today makes me even more worrisome and frustrated.  My car didn’t want to start again today after work.  Got the starter replaced two weeks ago, which my mom paid for, how am I suppose to have afforded that on my own?!?  😦

Then, getting home hours after I got off of work to find text messages from my manager that totally pissed me off.

I have started probably a half dozen letters in the last couple months that never made it in the envelope.  I have wanted to start projects, that never get started.  I feel overwhelmed almost daily now.

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Lonely

I feel all alone.

My band director from college talked to me yesterday telling me I need to learn to be alone.  Much easier said than done and I don’t really know if I want to.  He did help me realize I need to let my niece go.  She is stronger than I am giving her credit for and she knows her smarts and talents are more important than her looks, that her mother stresses and cares most about.  I know I need to separate myself from my family, so much more harm than good.

I have large goals for 2017 and honestly for the first four months.
Jan 23rd — Driver’s test.  Still need to set up a final lesson, research car insurance etc.
Get a new Job – either rework my resume or talk to my manager about becoming assistant manager
Move — find a place, pack, and so on.
Get my own cellphone plan — research multiple plans/companies

I have lived with my mother for 7 years now.  I work a crappy low pay job.  I have no friends within an hour radius and the ones outside of it don’t ever visit me, I have to visit them despite not having a driver’s license.  I need new glasses (they hurt my face and old prescription), I just don’t know.  Just down.  Even my penpal of 8 years hasn’t written me in over two months when it’s usually 2-3 times a month.  Writing letters helps me settle my emotions, but even my prison penpal keeps calling me instead.

I feel lost.
I feel lonely.
I am angry with myself.

Improvements

I can’t say it’s big improvements, but my life is in a positive direction.  I have had two driving lessons.  He keeps insisting I am doing well, but I couldn’t imagine passing the test without him beside me reminding me how many times to turn the wheel to do a 90 degree backup into a parking space and where to stop.  And of course, the car I am driving isn’t the one I’ll be using on the driving test.  I honestly have no idea right now who’ll take me to the test and in what vehicle :(.  I am tired of my family telling me that they’re supportive of such things, but not actual lend any help.

My best friend, whom I think I became a little dependent on the last few months for human contact, may have to disappear from my life and I don’t know how well I’ll be able to handle it.  Two day, just two days, of not talking to him and I miss him.  I’m just so mad at him, but he doesn’t seem to fully understand why.  The desire to forgive him to release loneliness was so strong already.  But, I am an emotional mess and I believe these kind of actions are going to hurt him more than anything and maybe just let things sit as they are.  It’s just hard to slide back into loneliness when I know someone out there would be able to fill the void.  He is a good person I enjoy spending time with and I thought would be my friend for years to come…. couldn’t even last six months.

Six months seems to be my timeline for friendship anyways, I don’t know why I thought this would last any longer :(.

Reactions

One of the hardest thing for me to gauge when I am this depressed is if my reaction is a reasonable one.  I got really upset at my mother this morning.  I didn’t do anything about it, so I kept it to myself, but I am overreacting by getting upset in the first place?  I lose patience when I am depressed.  I think part of it is due to trouble sleeping.  I got over 8 hours of sleep last night, but you couldn’t tell by how exhausted I’ve felt all day.  I’ve gotten a few loads of laundry done.  Got myself to eat a bit (sadly, an accomplishment right now).

So, I got up and did a load of laundry right away this morning.  I put the pants over the washer door as I was hanging them up on hangers and putting them up in my bathroom, etc to dry.  As I am half way done, my mom comes downstairs and throws a load in.  When I go to grab the last two off the door to hang up, she’s already got the soap in and everything.  I was going to do another load.  Why does her sheets take president over my clothes?  No talking about it, nothing.  Same, as when I do a load I make sure no one wants to shower in the next hour.  Something they never consider when starting the dishwasher (which takes almost 2 hours) or the washer.  Our water pressure isn’t that great to have two things going.  She then starts talking about some crap I don’t care about, but since I was angry I couldn’t really listen and just go, “uh huh” to whatever she was saying.  I know it is a little thing, but one of so many and showing a lack of respect to me, in my opinion.

Yep, been trying to get any plans set up with anyone right now.  It’s amazing how productive I can be if I have plans later with someone.  But nothing, no follow-through people.  So, I’ve spent all day (it’s 4:10pm now) on the computer.  Responding to ads, reading emails, sending emails, playing stupid Facebook games, etc.

I wish I didn’t need outside motivation, but I do.

Friendship

I struggle to make friends.  Lots of people are friendly to me, during the day time it feels fine, but I get extremely lonely at night.  I thought I finally made a friend — a real one.  We’ve been talking via email for a couple months, then once we met, we text/facebook/email/words with friends chat about our work a lot, his kids, and lots about Star Trek and pizza.  Odd combination, I know, but it’s what happened :-b.  I don’t usually have people who actually want to hear about my work day, several exes have complained that I talk about work too much, so was really nice to have someone regularly ask about it.

I got out of character texts from him last night, through discussing it with my mother I have decided it must have been his ex writing to me, and then a Facebook message telling me we can’t be friends anymore because his ex and kids mean too much to him.  That one sounded like him.

Still — we had a whole weekend planned out together all about Star Trek and I got him a birthday present that now just stares at me.  I cried a lot this morning and I just don’t know what to do with myself.  I have trust issues.  He kept telling me that he’s there for me and will be.  I finally started to believe him last week and started really opening up with what is going on in my mind when I am depressed.

Anxiety

On September 1st I finally went out and renewed my permit.  On the 15th, I received it.  I need to call to set up lessons, so I can learn how to drive, but the idea of actually making the call gets me to almost panic.  I’ve thought about it many times, I’ll start to choke up and it takes all my effort not to cry.

I hate how much I can’t seem to be able to move forward.

Struggle

I’ve been struggling for a while (2 years) and started to spiral early July.  It didn’t help when my mother’s boyfriend went off on me during my birthday celebration and my mother, who was literally standing between him and me when he went off doing nothing.  Flashbacks to how I felt in high school while being molested.

I hate my living situation.
I hate my job.
I am dirt poor.  Most changes requires the means I do not have.
I feel trapped, unhappy, and well, plain miserable.

I cry every day.  I have no friends to hang out with and so when men from my past know I am one who will give in, when they keep texting/reaching out to me and I ignore them.  They know I’ll get lonely enough to say okay.  I’ve been hit with three in the last couple weeks.  Two yesterday.  Phone call after phone call even when I’ve shut off my phone for an hour, when I turn it back on, phone call after phone call.  I was afraid to look at it yesterday.  Sadly, that one, if he had just responded to one of my two texts over the last 8 days, he would have been over.  When he finally turned off the private number thing so I was for sure it was him – I texted him that I didn’t want to deal with a drunk JD.  Silence after that.  The other guy just gave up after a few texts.  I got a phone call from another one, one I don’t want to see either, but set up for next week.

I have no one in my life to give me the physical touch I need.  It’s not just a want anymore, going so long without it is making me go crazy.  At my old job of 7 years, I got hugs all the time from coworkers and then I started dating and getting hugs, cuddles, and sex from men too.  I was happy overall.

I don’t have that.  I work a job where the turnover rate is extremely high and no touching.  I haven’t had anyone willing to be my boyfriend in years.  I am so much a loser, I am just one that married men want to sleep with to add something to their life, not change it.  I am fat and so lots of men are okay with sleeping with me, but not actually dating me — being seen in public with me or have me meet their friends.  I am poor with depression issues, so live in my mom’s basement, so no good man wants someone so pathetic.  I think this’ why I get stuck on the guys who are around.

Since getting HPV in Feb, from a guy who was my ex and I wanted to date, I kinda went downhill with how I feel about myself.  When he found out he had it and had given it to me, I never saw him again, but then he gets a girlfriend and has been with her the last 7 months and is happy.