L: Love

Here’s the actual post :-b.  Sorry, this one is long.

Right now at the age of 30yrs 9 months I have fallen in love with one man, but he doesn’t love me.  So, for now love means pain, sadness, tears, with little bouts of comfort, fantasy, and dashed dreams.  The man is still in my life, doesn’t respond to emails or texts, but will come for a visit every other month.  Last week I came home from work to find him napping in my bed.  Within minutes I am laying beside him, arms wrapped around eachother as we talk.

After he confirms I am still single and lets me know he is, we become sexual.  We then hang out with my grandma before playing some games.  After my grandma’s birthday party I go to bed and he joins my mom and grandma in some card games.

I go to bed feeling empty and reflecting on the afternoon.  When I tell him, “I missed you,” he responds, “I know.”  He doesn’t pretend to be more than he is, but sometimes I wish he’d lie.  Those moments though of holding eachother as we talk is what my mind like to wander to.  I have spent too many days thinking about him from sunrise to drifting off to sleep, but cannot move on.  He is the first man who seems to understand me and my emotional turmoil.  To accept me for all my many many many faults.  Every visit a reminder that he doesn’t love me.  That I could disappear from his life and leave no void.  I don’t give up on finding someone that’ll love me back, but so far it’s more heart break than anything.

Do you think it’s better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all?

2 thoughts on “L: Love

  1. Not a question I can answer… I don’t know what it’s like to have never loved. But like you, I know what it’s like to not be loved back. The only thing I’m sure of is that you can love more than once and you never forget the others.

    Liked by 1 person

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