Re-emerge

So, It’s been a long while since I’ve written.  I’ve debated on posting on here as it’d basically be frustrations and no one likes reading those when it’s not someone they care about, and even then it’s limiting for many.  But, I am flooded with emotions and sometimes want validation and other times simply being told I’m overreacting or being stupid.

I haven’t had the normal development of an intimate life.  From being molested by my stepfather in high school causing me to be be closed up sexually, then being sexually assaulted in college I really put anything intimate on the back burner.  Not until I was 27 could I not take the sexual frustration anymore.  I watched so much porn, cybered a lot, masturbated a lot, fantasized randomly throughout the day, sex was really on my mind all the time.

I’m now 31, have had 15 sexual partners, and currently have three lovers.  Had four until a couple days ago when I ended one due to her hurting my feelings (unintentionally, but still reoccurring) too many times.  She was the only one I had feelings for and dreamed of being in a relationship eventually.

But, one is once to twice a month, and he focuses completely on my needs and wants and wants to please.  One is once a week, we play boardgames, have sex, sleep, then have sex again before going to work, then one is on weekends and I am helping him out as his anxiety with intimacy as it is so high he tends to go soft the moment he goes inside someone.  The one I ended, she was completely submissive and I was working on being the dominate one when I tend to be the submissive.

I haven’t slept through the night in weeks, tried upping my meletonin, took zzzquil, and will be trying sleepy time tea tonight.  I have migraines lasting days now, gotten quite sick, lose my patience quickly, and bombed an interview for my dream job.  And, I am planning my mother’s birthday party on her birthday and her surprise party a week later.  Highly stressful and taking all my tax refund since I am getting significantly less than I’ve ever gotten before :(.

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