Struggle

I’ve been struggling for a while (2 years) and started to spiral early July.  It didn’t help when my mother’s boyfriend went off on me during my birthday celebration and my mother, who was literally standing between him and me when he went off doing nothing.  Flashbacks to how I felt in high school while being molested.

I hate my living situation.
I hate my job.
I am dirt poor.  Most changes requires the means I do not have.
I feel trapped, unhappy, and well, plain miserable.

I cry every day.  I have no friends to hang out with and so when men from my past know I am one who will give in, when they keep texting/reaching out to me and I ignore them.  They know I’ll get lonely enough to say okay.  I’ve been hit with three in the last couple weeks.  Two yesterday.  Phone call after phone call even when I’ve shut off my phone for an hour, when I turn it back on, phone call after phone call.  I was afraid to look at it yesterday.  Sadly, that one, if he had just responded to one of my two texts over the last 8 days, he would have been over.  When he finally turned off the private number thing so I was for sure it was him – I texted him that I didn’t want to deal with a drunk JD.  Silence after that.  The other guy just gave up after a few texts.  I got a phone call from another one, one I don’t want to see either, but set up for next week.

I have no one in my life to give me the physical touch I need.  It’s not just a want anymore, going so long without it is making me go crazy.  At my old job of 7 years, I got hugs all the time from coworkers and then I started dating and getting hugs, cuddles, and sex from men too.  I was happy overall.

I don’t have that.  I work a job where the turnover rate is extremely high and no touching.  I haven’t had anyone willing to be my boyfriend in years.  I am so much a loser, I am just one that married men want to sleep with to add something to their life, not change it.  I am fat and so lots of men are okay with sleeping with me, but not actually dating me — being seen in public with me or have me meet their friends.  I am poor with depression issues, so live in my mom’s basement, so no good man wants someone so pathetic.  I think this’ why I get stuck on the guys who are around.

Since getting HPV in Feb, from a guy who was my ex and I wanted to date, I kinda went downhill with how I feel about myself.  When he found out he had it and had given it to me, I never saw him again, but then he gets a girlfriend and has been with her the last 7 months and is happy.

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